This week I began to meet people- insistently initiating conversations on the playground, forcibly inserting myself into face book conversations, doggedly hounding those poor people who had given me their phone numbers into becoming a part of my social circle and trying to impress everyone with how great I am. Yeah, you read that last part right. See, I had planned on blogging a tour of my new apartment this week, but it turns out God wanted to take me on a tour of my heart instead- and it stinks. Proverbs 21:4 says “Haughty eyes and a proud heart, The lamp of the wicked, is sin.” A lamp shines outward, spreading the light it contains to those around. So, if haughty eyes and a proud heart are the lamp of the wicked, maybe they are the visible manifestations, or output of wickedness. If so, what does that say about me? I have been looking around myself at the residents of my new home with haughty eyes. I have pride-fully considered others as less than myself- “ I bet they still have boxes to unpack.” “I bet they aren’t having as nutritious a dinner as us tonight since I have already cooked this morning and they are just running to the commissary at 6 pm.” “I would never treat my kids like that.” I am a show-off, eager to present my “togetherness” to others. The truth is that every good thing in my life- the blessings I enjoy in my family life, my beloved husband, my relationship with Christ- are all gifts from God, and not only do I do nothing to bring them about, I am almost constantly a terrible steward of them. If you got 30 seconds to glimpse into my heart you would be sickened by the inclinations and thoughts from silly to violent, from unwise to pornographic, that are laced through my nature. If you could know this real me- the base and ugly adulteress, ill-tempered and lustful, then you could see just how much God does for me every day. If you could see how He intervenes to protect me from myself and how He festoons me gifts of righteousness- a moment of patience here, a glistening drop of compassion there, a sparkle of faith piece by piece remaking me- then you would know that He is undeniably gracious and mighty and good! If you could see how bad I really am than you would know just how incredible He is. Yet, I spend all day every day trying to create the opposite effect. Rather than letting you see how great is the work He has done in my life, I spend a ton of energy trying to make it seem as if I don’t really need Him. I hide His signature on my life by making it look like I have it all together. I hide Him and that is wickedness. Proverbs 21:10 says “The soul of the wicked desires evil; His neighbor finds no favor in his eyes.” 1 Corinthians 13:4 says “Love… does not boast, it is not proud.” Proverbs 6:16 says that God hates and despises haughty eyes. My haughty eyes need to be cut out. Ugly scars would be a better reflection of the real me and blindness would give others a chance to watch God’s gentleness and romance in leading me.